When someone thinks of improving their own or somebody else's communication skills, the classic solution is for them to find some type of communications skills training seminar. This method is usually selected by organisations on the presumption that an individual can be taught sufficient skills and techniques to get greater cooperation from people, be taken more seriously, be more assertive or just get along better with others or avoid getting into conflict. If an individual wants to improve their skills outside the organisation, they would seek see a psychologist or coach, somebody with whom they can work with on a 1:1 basis and learn specific techniques to get over challenging circumstances they have run across. Both of these strategies have some merit. The limitation of 1:1 work is that the individual lacks the chance to practice newly acquired skills with anybody other than the coach. The 1:1 attention however frequently has the additional benefit that any negative self-talk or limited perspective is more likely to surface and be challenged by the coach who knows very well the impact of how one's self-talk influences one's results. This is where the great majority of conventions or workshops fail to supply significant behaviour change in people, instead mood change which lasts for only a short time after the course. So why don't the majority of seminars or workshops work, and what wants to switch to guarantee one's money is wisely spent and more importantly, behavior changes over a period and situation?
Why Seminars don't produce significant behaviour change
A coaching seminar, directed at changing peoples communication must, if it is to achieve success, align both the person's inner thinking with their newly acquired skills.
EXAMPLE
Imagine somebody wants to be more assertive at work. A seminar might teach them specific skills to:
- Marshal their thoughts.
- Manage their body language.
- Calmly and firmly convey facts.
- Remain firm when challenged.
- Repeat their firm claim notwithstanding resistance by other people.
In a supervised situation, the person learns to make use of the new abilities and feels great about them especially after a round of applause by other delegates. However , what occurs when the person returns to their familiar surroundings, with people who have seen them give in time and time again? If the coaching is good, they might be able to use their new skills when first returning to what they know. But something they may not have been prepared for is how they finish up feeling when the other person criticizes them for being selfish, inflexible or untrustworthy. Every individual will be different but the internal feelings making them not claim themself before, regularly ends up working agaisnt them, returning them to their previous behavior. This is because the non-assertive reply possibly provided remission from terribly uncomfortable feelings they experienced when making an attempt to square up to others. It is not the others who cause them to change their behaviour; it is their own their effort to calm tough feelings they experience when challenged by others, or when they behave in ways that their internal template considers unacceptable. The individual could be highly galvanized to get more assertive, but that alone is inadequate to switch their behavior long term. What's required is an investigation of the person's associations with, in this example, being more assertive. Their values, convictions, associations, experiences, stereotypes and so on. All influence the ease or difficulty of changing their behavior. Shall we consider what might go on inside an individual who, in spite of a desire to change, finds it extraordinarily hard to tolerate uncomfortable feelings that arise when they try and do something different. They would believe that:
- Putting oneself before others is selfish.
- Speaking out and taking control is too assertive.
- Saying no thanks suggests that one is self-centred and insensitive to others.
- Saying no thank you will end in feeling humiliated as they have before.
- The world is a worse place when people think of themselves first.
All of these beliefs and associations provide a very strong internal context for making uncomfortable feelings when the individual makes an attempt to do something which challenges those internal templates. The person faces a quandary. They can push through their internal restrictions and wait for the sensations of discomfort to abate or they can do what they have done before "they can give in and be non-assertive. This might provide swift relief from the internal dilemma and. In doing so bolsters the stimulus-response connection. This relief of course will generally be following by personal recriminations and self-blame which propelled them to find help in the 1st place.
The Role of Negative Reinforcement
Reinforcement is a dynamic association that's formed between an individual's behavior and response. A positive reinforcer increases the chance of a behaviour being repeated and a negative reinforcer can lower the likelihood of it being repeated. An example of a positive reinforcer would be where somebody does something and feels good about it or experience such pleasure that it increases their interest and therefore the probability of doing it again. A negative reinforcer works in the other way "the experience and organisation is such that they feel better when they withdraw or don't do the same thing again.
EXAMPLE
A person who is shy or socially concerned is invited to a party. When they attended parties before, they felt discomfort didn't know the way to start or maintain small talk, assumed everyone else was popular and funny and yet they felt shamed or inadequate. They may have given in to others who give them some encouragement to come along and yet as the party gets closer , their uneasiness increases. It'd reach such a pitch, that they come to a decision to say they don't seem to be unwell and will not be attending. As fast as they say they aren't going to the party or as quickly as they choose to cancel, their uneasiness reduces. So their freedom from anxiety adversely reinforces their behaviour. In this situation, the behaviour is 'not going to the party ' which has now been adversely reinforced and is the internal template and association that will be replayed when they end up in similar circumstances in the future. Regardless of their desire to have a better social life, this dynamic internal link is likely to decide their behaviour (not attending) more than their motivation to do so.
This example of negative reinforcement throws some light on the issue of changing behavior and not just mood change. In the area of communication abilities coaching, while it's possible to enhance certain skills, they will not be used outside the classroom unless the individual feels better when using them and previous negative associations with the new behavior have been broken.
Mixing Communication Skills Training With Inner Work
So as to get behaviour to modify and not just a change in mood in the arena of communication expertise, it is essential to mix skills training with concurrent alignment of the internal templates and associations with the new wanted behavior. Internal templates and associations however aren't always accessible and only come to the fore when a person finds themselves challenged in new situation. For instance, while an individual might be aware of certain negative self-talk that provides their negative spin on things, deeper associations won't be apparent until they are provoked thru circumstances or coaching to change.
Becoming Your Own Best Coach
A person must be taught to become their own internal coach so that long after training, they have a highly self-reflective mindset that continually questions everything they do and how they feel when they are doing it. This ability is learned by first teaching somebody to have more effective self talk with themself. A querying attitude acts like a belief detective enabling the person to consistently reflect on what they are feeling, how they're coming across and their part in getting the results which they wish.
In order for someone to become an effective communicator, they must learn develop their capability to listen and to get heard by employing particular techniques, language and appreciation of interpersonal dynamics. Their internal templates and associations must be made more explicit and aligned with new behaviors. Additionally, they must learn to understand themselves more fully and adopt an ongoing strategy to understand their reactions and feelings. This demands that they move from living at Effect to living at Cause. Living at Effect means somebody feels they're at the mercy of outside forces and are at the effect of what happens to them. Living at Cause means the person takes full responsibility for all their reactions, knowing they are the reason for everything they do. Despite other individual's behavior, they don't feel at the beck and call of other people; they have learned that no-one can make them do anything (not least how they feel) without their permission.
The way ahead for Communications Skills Training
Communication is so much more than what is conveyed or. Experienced between people. Communication is the currency of all the results we achieve in our lives. Everything we do, feel or anticipate involves communication. We must first learn how to listen to ourselves and to make conscious our unconscious influences and associations that determine our behavior. This inner work, when joined with effective communications methods and techniques is the trademark of a Calm Communicator. A calm communicator is someone that has become their own internal coach and uses explicit strategies to influences people with integrity, impact and influence. They are able to interact efficiently in time and situation and when in positions of leadership, they lead with integrity, impact and influence. This has a contagion effect on others who seek methods to become even more like them because they see the power it holds to persuade people positively and to live more satisfyingly. That's when we see behavioural change and not just mood change "when the person has changed on the inside as well as the outside, instead of just having modified their use of language or interpersonal methods and systems.
Why Seminars don't produce significant behaviour change
A coaching seminar, directed at changing peoples communication must, if it is to achieve success, align both the person's inner thinking with their newly acquired skills.
EXAMPLE
Imagine somebody wants to be more assertive at work. A seminar might teach them specific skills to:
- Marshal their thoughts.
- Manage their body language.
- Calmly and firmly convey facts.
- Remain firm when challenged.
- Repeat their firm claim notwithstanding resistance by other people.
In a supervised situation, the person learns to make use of the new abilities and feels great about them especially after a round of applause by other delegates. However , what occurs when the person returns to their familiar surroundings, with people who have seen them give in time and time again? If the coaching is good, they might be able to use their new skills when first returning to what they know. But something they may not have been prepared for is how they finish up feeling when the other person criticizes them for being selfish, inflexible or untrustworthy. Every individual will be different but the internal feelings making them not claim themself before, regularly ends up working agaisnt them, returning them to their previous behavior. This is because the non-assertive reply possibly provided remission from terribly uncomfortable feelings they experienced when making an attempt to square up to others. It is not the others who cause them to change their behaviour; it is their own their effort to calm tough feelings they experience when challenged by others, or when they behave in ways that their internal template considers unacceptable. The individual could be highly galvanized to get more assertive, but that alone is inadequate to switch their behavior long term. What's required is an investigation of the person's associations with, in this example, being more assertive. Their values, convictions, associations, experiences, stereotypes and so on. All influence the ease or difficulty of changing their behavior. Shall we consider what might go on inside an individual who, in spite of a desire to change, finds it extraordinarily hard to tolerate uncomfortable feelings that arise when they try and do something different. They would believe that:
- Putting oneself before others is selfish.
- Speaking out and taking control is too assertive.
- Saying no thanks suggests that one is self-centred and insensitive to others.
- Saying no thank you will end in feeling humiliated as they have before.
- The world is a worse place when people think of themselves first.
All of these beliefs and associations provide a very strong internal context for making uncomfortable feelings when the individual makes an attempt to do something which challenges those internal templates. The person faces a quandary. They can push through their internal restrictions and wait for the sensations of discomfort to abate or they can do what they have done before "they can give in and be non-assertive. This might provide swift relief from the internal dilemma and. In doing so bolsters the stimulus-response connection. This relief of course will generally be following by personal recriminations and self-blame which propelled them to find help in the 1st place.
The Role of Negative Reinforcement
Reinforcement is a dynamic association that's formed between an individual's behavior and response. A positive reinforcer increases the chance of a behaviour being repeated and a negative reinforcer can lower the likelihood of it being repeated. An example of a positive reinforcer would be where somebody does something and feels good about it or experience such pleasure that it increases their interest and therefore the probability of doing it again. A negative reinforcer works in the other way "the experience and organisation is such that they feel better when they withdraw or don't do the same thing again.
EXAMPLE
A person who is shy or socially concerned is invited to a party. When they attended parties before, they felt discomfort didn't know the way to start or maintain small talk, assumed everyone else was popular and funny and yet they felt shamed or inadequate. They may have given in to others who give them some encouragement to come along and yet as the party gets closer , their uneasiness increases. It'd reach such a pitch, that they come to a decision to say they don't seem to be unwell and will not be attending. As fast as they say they aren't going to the party or as quickly as they choose to cancel, their uneasiness reduces. So their freedom from anxiety adversely reinforces their behaviour. In this situation, the behaviour is 'not going to the party ' which has now been adversely reinforced and is the internal template and association that will be replayed when they end up in similar circumstances in the future. Regardless of their desire to have a better social life, this dynamic internal link is likely to decide their behaviour (not attending) more than their motivation to do so.
This example of negative reinforcement throws some light on the issue of changing behavior and not just mood change. In the area of communication abilities coaching, while it's possible to enhance certain skills, they will not be used outside the classroom unless the individual feels better when using them and previous negative associations with the new behavior have been broken.
Mixing Communication Skills Training With Inner Work
So as to get behaviour to modify and not just a change in mood in the arena of communication expertise, it is essential to mix skills training with concurrent alignment of the internal templates and associations with the new wanted behavior. Internal templates and associations however aren't always accessible and only come to the fore when a person finds themselves challenged in new situation. For instance, while an individual might be aware of certain negative self-talk that provides their negative spin on things, deeper associations won't be apparent until they are provoked thru circumstances or coaching to change.
Becoming Your Own Best Coach
A person must be taught to become their own internal coach so that long after training, they have a highly self-reflective mindset that continually questions everything they do and how they feel when they are doing it. This ability is learned by first teaching somebody to have more effective self talk with themself. A querying attitude acts like a belief detective enabling the person to consistently reflect on what they are feeling, how they're coming across and their part in getting the results which they wish.
In order for someone to become an effective communicator, they must learn develop their capability to listen and to get heard by employing particular techniques, language and appreciation of interpersonal dynamics. Their internal templates and associations must be made more explicit and aligned with new behaviors. Additionally, they must learn to understand themselves more fully and adopt an ongoing strategy to understand their reactions and feelings. This demands that they move from living at Effect to living at Cause. Living at Effect means somebody feels they're at the mercy of outside forces and are at the effect of what happens to them. Living at Cause means the person takes full responsibility for all their reactions, knowing they are the reason for everything they do. Despite other individual's behavior, they don't feel at the beck and call of other people; they have learned that no-one can make them do anything (not least how they feel) without their permission.
The way ahead for Communications Skills Training
Communication is so much more than what is conveyed or. Experienced between people. Communication is the currency of all the results we achieve in our lives. Everything we do, feel or anticipate involves communication. We must first learn how to listen to ourselves and to make conscious our unconscious influences and associations that determine our behavior. This inner work, when joined with effective communications methods and techniques is the trademark of a Calm Communicator. A calm communicator is someone that has become their own internal coach and uses explicit strategies to influences people with integrity, impact and influence. They are able to interact efficiently in time and situation and when in positions of leadership, they lead with integrity, impact and influence. This has a contagion effect on others who seek methods to become even more like them because they see the power it holds to persuade people positively and to live more satisfyingly. That's when we see behavioural change and not just mood change "when the person has changed on the inside as well as the outside, instead of just having modified their use of language or interpersonal methods and systems.
About the Author:
Clare Mann is an Organisational Psychologist, Bestselling Author of
numerous books and Existential Psychotherapist with extensive
international experience facilitating individuals and organisations to
create extraordinary results by improving communication skills. Her latest book Communicate â€" How to Say What Needs to be Said, When it Needs to be Said and In The WAY it Needs to be Said. She runs communication skills training programmes for individuals and organisations.
numerous books and Existential Psychotherapist with extensive
international experience facilitating individuals and organisations to
create extraordinary results by improving communication skills. Her latest book Communicate â€" How to Say What Needs to be Said, When it Needs to be Said and In The WAY it Needs to be Said. She runs communication skills training programmes for individuals and organisations.
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